WordPress Reinvents Gutenberg and I Can’t—

WordPress invented the printing press for the post-printing age. They called it Gutenberg, thus positively impacting people’s factual knowledge in the post-factual age, while adversely impacting search trends on Google. Every idiot is searching for keyword Gutenberg and the more enlightened ones for phrase whats the difference between gutenberg and hewlett packard. Apart from circa half a millennium, none.

As for me, who was brought up at the height of the trivia age (aka let’s-see-how-much-encyclopaedic-facts-we-can-input-in-a-schoolkid’s-head-before-it-implodes age), I have a more interesting question. What’s the difference between Gutenberg à la WordPress and Shakespeare? Apart from a few random centuries, none. Both are much ado about nothing. Also, I tend to disapprove of both of them, while everyone else seems to be shitting themselves with enthusiasm, and I’m thinking what the heck I’m missing.

What is this thing, then, this Gutenberg by WordPress? Well. Since we’re on the literary note, let me whip up a simile (worry not, that’s the shit that is easier than the metaphor, or even the oxymoron). Just as WordPress allows you to make a website without actually knowing how to code, so Gutenberg allows you to produce content without knowing how to write. Okay. I might be exaggerating, but not much. Gutenberg is a kind of an upgraded visual editor. Like Word is an upgraded Notepad.

This may or may not be my make-up (see below for [ir]relevance)

I have literally (not to be confused with literary) no idea (I could just as well finish the sentence here, right?)—no idea what my problem with visual editors is. A childhood trauma, perhaps? Hardly, unless my traumatising encounters with MS Dos count. (To my schoolteacher of IT, who never graded me better than a B: Dude, wanna see my latest bit of JavaScript? Or my new CSS tricks? You know, I happen to be a coder now. So fuck you, in yer face. [Not literally, please.])

I love new stuff and shit that makes other shit easier. I’m not the fashionable weirdo who bakes her own bread though she can buy it courtesy of the supermarket. I suspect I’ve had too much experience with visual editors not doing their one job and me ending up just coding the job, which, as it happened, was more efficient on all fronts. Whenever I hear visual builder, I’m getting measles. I’m kidding. I’m not getting measles at any time because my mother wasn’t a militant bio-mother, so I’m fully vaccinated.

I’m not sure whether the vaccine is the reason I’m semi-autistic. Maybe I was born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline. It could be Rimmel, too. But not Sephora. I’m not a Sephora person. I know a person who is a Sephora person, which is why I researched what the fuck. It appears that Sephora sells overpriced make-up to those dumb enough to buy it. Which didn’t really answer my what the fuck question. I wear make-up once a week at most (not coincidentally, it coincides with the equally rare occasions when I leave the flat), and so I’m still wearing the glossy red lip gloss I bought five years ago.

Glossy lip gloss is no more fashionable, I hear (and deem it irrelevant), but I no more like it. Trouble is, as is the case with all things you don’t like any more, that the product is bottomless. I assume it’s also past its expiry date; fortunately, I don’t believe in expiry dates. Nothing but propaganda. I shall keep on using and/or eating any expired thing until it manifests highly visible signs of mould which I evaluate as severe enough to justify throwing the shit out. Don’t even try to argue with me. See above for post-factual age. You’re welcome.

A Square Week

My week wasn’t particularly square. Neither was it round though. I’m just running out of ideas what to call my posts in the challenge which consists of snapping and Instagraming a photo a day and throwing a week’s worth bunch together over on the blog. What would you call it? The lazy challenge? The recycle challenge? The zerofucksgiven challenge?

Here you go. I challenge you to scroll down. Not in one mighty scroll, preferably. You know, I did put some minimum effort into making captions for the pictures. I challenge you to read them. Or not to read them. Whichever you find more challenging. Or less challenging. Wait. I know what to call my challenge. The challenged challenge.

2 April: My windows are so filthy that the cat has difficulty looking out through them. That’s the only thing that may coerce me to clean the windows. Maybe. 

3 April: Feel free to appreciate my cute yoga pants and fancy yoga mat. I also recommend to your attention the commendable fact that I painted my toe nails and shaved my big toes. 

4 April: This is just to deliver a bullet-proof proof that I also painted my finger nails. And that on this day, as on any day, I had coffee. 

5 April: There were blue holes in the late evening sky. Ozone holes visible? The photo turned out more like darkness visible. 

6 April: I have tiles. They are ugly. There are shadows on them. That’s about it.

7 April: I put my as lovely as beloved winter coat (rightmost) to sleep for the upcoming summer. I was surprised to discover I have multiple options of spring coats: blue and yellow (middle and left). How did that happen? What on earth possessed me to buy two versions of one thing and so expose myself to decision paralysis? 

8 April: I read. That’s apparently what people do. Hence, I’m people. Though I have my doubts.

 

My Week in Instagram Pictures

Last week has been uneventful, much as my entire life. Thanks the universe for that. I hate everything but eventfulness especially. I have captured each non-event of each uneventful day in one non-picture.

5 Feb: My cactus colony is dying on me. It’s a minor miracle that I’m managing to keep the cat, a life form superior to plants, alive. 

6 Feb: I went out. To get smokes. It was very exciting because there are new pictures on cigarette packets! This ad for clogged arteries is particularly attractive. The imagery is supposed to discourage me from smoking, but sadly, I enjoy the art, so not happening.

7 Feb: When you think the bloody winter is about to be over and the snow thinks otherwise. 

8 Feb: That’s my balcony chair. Clearly, I never clean it. I converted it into an art installation.

9 Feb: The day when a radiator burst and flooded the building. This was taken when I was pressurising the boiler, unaware that it’s sending all the water down into the cellar, creating an impromptu swimming opportunity.

10 Feb: Freezing as per usual. No amount of thermal wear helps. Please notice, however, that my fleece shirt is colour-coordinated with my knitted socks. And my nails are colour-coordinated with my outdoor thermal pants. Which I wear indoors. 

11 Feb: I did my nails! What an event! And I did them wonderfully. I love the jaundiced yellow, the bloody red and the deathly black. 

Random Suggestions Poetry

I’ve been fascinated with the relatively recent feature of the WordPress Reader: the Suggestions that show at the top, just above the feed. What’s so curious about them is:

1. I often have no idea what the suggested keywords mean. Homesteading? Sous vide? Come on, don’t swear at me! Don’t tell me what that is though, I already Googled and confirmed that I’m highly uninterested in these subjects.
2.  The suggestions are extremely random. I would’ve thought that as all other advertising (which is what suggested content really means), the keywords would be personalised. I don’t think they are, otherwise I couldn’t have been offered Homeschooling, Politics and Toddlers, all of which I intensely don’t care about.
3. The whole thing is so hilarious! I waste time taking the three words suggested and using them in a poem or something. Like the thing below, which incorporates my latest incongruous suggestions of Beauty, yoga and Batman.

Beauty, yoga, batman 

Beauty is—not a thing
But if it were
   real

It would be
   me
With my arms up
   in a flying V
In the position
   of a tree

Doing yoga
Flying—
Like a fucking
Batman

Developing Your Eye I: I’m Blessed (Snort)

Part of WordPress’s photography course Developing Your Eye I.

When someone declares they’re blessed, it triggers the worst in me. I can’t make myself believe the authenticity of such a bold statement and I can’t help doubting the claimant’s sound sense.

Unfortunately, this photo challenge goes with the mainstream flow and asks to deliver a photo of bliss. Let’s not reiterate that the experience of enjoyment is alien to me, and as to bliss, I know nothing.

I therefore documented what I hated the least recently, which was when I finally did my nails. I hate the activity of doing my nails, what a bloody bother, but I like the result of having my nails done.

Photo Gallery: Shelves and Stuff

Houses and rooms are full of perfumes, the shelves are crowded with perfumes,

I breathe the fragrance myself and know it and like it.
—Walt Whitman

Colouring

All made up

That’s a lot of options

Pink fluffy thing

Tesco bra

Want these

Photo Gallery: Trinkets

What I Hated the Least Today 203/365: Cat Code Tattoo

Engraved with the sharpness of surgical steel

I take my own posts as prompts: when I blogged about chronic pain, I went to see the doctor the next day; when I blogged about tattoo ideas, I made an appointment at a tattoo studio immediately. While the results of my doctors’ appointments are still being determined, the outcome of my other appointment is now finished—see picture above.

Quick answers to the obvious questions:

1. Yes, it’s permanent.
2. No, it didn’t hurt.
3. It’s a cat-shaped semicolon enclosed in CSS curly brackets.

As to long answers, I wanted a tattoo as part of my dealing with my midlife crisis. I borrowed the catty semicolon idea from the internet (I didn’t suspect I’d actually get it when I was saving it on Pinterest) and I added the brackets as my own idea. I didn’t intend to share my design, however primitive, but I’m too pleased with myself not to share it (insert smug emoticon here).

The tattooing part lasted under ten minutes and hurt less than having blood taken for lab tests. I got it with an extra bonus of glamour feel – it felt superstar-ish to sit with a strong halogen light in your face and the air from a fan in your hair. Of course, in combination with the slacks and the lace top in the picture, it doesn’t look too badass. I guess I need more leather. And more tattoos.

What I Hated the Least Today 193/365: Tattoo Ideas

Your code goes here

I’ve been thinking forever of getting tattooed because that’s the kind of thing you do when you’re in the midst of a third-life crisis (probably an early mid-life crisis in my case, as my lifestyle isn’t consistent with longevity). One gets to see a plenty of tattoos in summer, when people go around semi-naked, which serve as great examples of how not to do it. Of course, I’m hypercritical and subversive, and I’m sure said tattoo wearers are perfectly happy with their creations.

I find it hugely entertaining when people get tattooed with mottoes in a foreign language, preferably one they don’t speak. Latin, particularly. (My apologies to all speakers of Latin with tattoos in Latin.) A friend has a nasty, cheesy piece covering most of her calf, depicting a dove and Latin for “Soar to the stars” (I can’t be bothered Googling how you say it in Latin because I don’t speak Latin, and neither does my tattooed friend).

If I ever finally get down to getting ink of my own, I’ll design it myself for myself specifically. I have one idea (two ideas, in case I like it and want more), which I’m not going to share because it’s so awesome that you’d want to steal it from me (ha). It has to do with my penchant for punctuation (I proofread) and code (I’d like to code). It has nothing to do with the featured image of this post, which is thrown in just so.

Meanwhile, I’m amusing myself with coming up with subversive alternatives for cliched tattoos. A hand-coded HTML table follows (in case you wonder how I got a table in, as WordPress’s WYSIWYG doesn’t do tables). A code for the table follows next, which I suggest you don’t borrow either because it’s not very good.

Inline CSS, apparently the only CSS you can use in WP Text Editor, should override any external stylesheets, however, I can’t get rid of my theme’s default tr:nth-child(odd) property, which sets the background of every other table row to grey. I solved it, probably improperly, by modifying each <td> in the offending row rather than just the entire <tr>. I guess I could overwrite the offending values via the CSS Editor, but I can’t be bothered (again).

The Table

Cliche	Subversive
Reach for the stars	Whatever
You got this	We’re all going to die here
Never give up	Just let me die

The Code

<table><caption>The Table</caption>
<tr style="background-color:#cc2a41;">
<th style="color:white;">Cliche</th>
<th style="color:white;">Subversive</th>
</tr>
<tr style="background-color:#44749d;">
<td style="color:white;">Reach for the stars</td>
<td style="color:white;">Whatever</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td style="color:white;background-color:#44749d;">You got this</td>
<td style="color:white;background-color:#44749d;">We're all going to die here</td>
</tr>
<tr style="background-color:#44749d;">
<td style="color:white;">Never give up</td>
<td style="color:white;">Just let me die</td>
</tr>
</table>

Please note that I dot my i’s, close my tags and quote my attributes. ❤

What I Hated the Least Today 187/365: Kitty Earrings

Crazy cat lady accessory

I have a new pair of kitty earrings. I thought you should know. I mean, they’re awesome. No one should be deprived of the pleasure of viewing anything cat related, especially when it’s cute without being too cute.

I think my earrings seek to represent the Siamese cat. It’s a slim, sleek and elegant breed. So are the earrings, as far as a cat-shaped accessory can ever be elegant. They are so light that I hardly feel the weight. That’s quite convenient.

I’m a fan of big badass earrings, and this stuff can be rather heavy to wear. It can also get somewhat painful when it’s windy and the earrings keep on hitting your face. Not my new kitty earrings though. Here’s another picture. 🐱 ❤

A shitty picture of kitty wearables