What I Hated (the Least) Today 251/365: A Week Off Meds

What I Hated (the Least) Today 251/365: A Week Off Meds

Due to the unforeseen circumstance of my bloody psychiatrist going on a bloody holiday, it so happened that I ran out of the meds that keep my brain from imploding. It was a fun week. One more, and I probably would have ended up behind bars, whether of prison or of a mental asylum. I managed to replenish my pill supplies today and this very success is already making me feel saner.

While off meds, I had a number of epiphanies, altered consciousness experiences and curious meltdowns, some of which I don’t care to share even with a professional lest I should be institutionalised for life. Here are some of the more harmless ones.

Discovery #1: Lucid Dreaming

I thought I had weird dreams when on sleeping pills, but without them, trying to sleep got so weird that I no more knew what I dreamt and what I didn’t. If lucid dreaming is about you being aware that you dream and being able to direct your dream, then I had it. This one was an extremely entertaining case because in my dream, I was a hot guy and was configuring myself, adding an ab here and there, choosing my facial features, hair style… I can’t believe I picked a man bun, but on my defence, I immediately took it back and went for short bed hair.

On which I was a girl again and gave birth to twins, who looked exactly like hotdogs. The boy I named Richard, the girl I wanted to call Victoria, but the father, whose identity remained mysterious even to me, didn’t think so. The poor girl ended up being Unnamed. Funnily enough, these two names are the exact ones I actually picked in real life when I was young and thought I’d want kids. When I realised I didn’t want kids, I named Richard my car (when I had a car) and Victoria my tortoise (when I had a tortoise).

Discovery #2: OCD

My OCD is normally within the limits of cute quirks, but it went a bit wild when unchecked by pills. I had a legit breakdown over, quite ironically, my zen meditation schedule, which I printed out and pinned on my whiteboard, but couldn’t get the sheet align with the other papers that were already there. Besides spending time aligning shit all over the flat, I had a range of highly interesting compulsive impulses coming to me – that’s when your mind goes blank and you can only think of doing one particular thing, which is usually something pretty dumb.

On this note, I should stop watching TV series entirely because I watched an episode of Sense8, which was perfectly harmless, except for one unfortunate incident when a minor character slit her wrists. Now, that’s a huge trigger for me. Surprisingly, when people are shooting other people on TV, I have absolutely no urge to imitate them, but when someone slits their wrists on TV, I can’t help myself wanting to try it at home. I have however prepared for this pet peeve compulsive thought of mine in advance when I had both my wrists tattooed. I naturally don’t want to cut my designs.

Discovery #3: Am I Hallucinating or What?

No, I’m not hallucinating, but I seriously thought I was. It was when I went to the balcony to smoke and saw a small ape from the Planet of the Apes standing at the table at the common backyard and staring at me. Well, I decided I was just hallucinating, why not, after all, it’s an interesting new experience, right, so I calmly sat down and lit my cigarette. When I looked again, the ape was gone. When I looked yet again, there was a bunch of kids hiding behind the table. The ape-like kid should probably have a haircut soon. And the bloody kids should stop fucking with my mind. It’s not like it’s not fucked up enough already.

To conclude on the same cheery note, here’s a song that I currently can’t get out of my head (especially the very upbeat line “The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had”).

21 thoughts on “What I Hated (the Least) Today 251/365: A Week Off Meds

    1. That was a weird dream – produced by a weird brain. I didn’t feel particularly well rested in the morning after giving birth all night and dragging around my hotdog newborns πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Isn’t it interesting how dreaming seems just so rational, normal and logical at the time. In the light of day – well…… crying hot dogs! What more can I say πŸ™‚ Glad you got your pills back. Too much more of this could have sent you potty!


    1. Exactly! Even when you’re having the oddest dream, it makes perfect sense when you’re in the process of dreaming it. I should be less crazy now I restocked on my medication supplies, which will hopefully include fewer crazy dreams too.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Mara ,
    Interesting Post. My daughter who is very Anorexic and was discharged from a Detained Hospital and has gone into the Community since the 25th April no Psychiatrist has seen her we were due to see one on 10th August but he has now left the Hospital Trust. The Hospital and the Trust have failed completely and Hazel looks like she will return to Hospital because of the Failures of the Community Mental Health team,. I live in Britain where Health provision is slowly being starved in the NHS. Healthcare will soon only be available to those that can pay.

    Thanks for your post

    Laurence x


    1. Hello Laurence and thank you very much for tuning in with your experience! I’m sorry to hear that, really. I believe it’s particularly mental health issues that should be devoted extra attention on the part of medical staff, conditions like anorexia are obviously very serious and life-threatening and sometimes the care doesn’t seem adequate.

      In the Czech Republic, healthcare is reasonably available, but its quality varies and the patient needs to do some research if they’re after quality care. While it’s “free”, it’s a question of perspective – you pay a significant monthly amount for social and health insurance, most of the actual care is free, but you often have to pay for your medication, even when it’s prescription medication and you can’t go without it.

      I wish you all the best and good health to your daughter too.


  3. It’s terrible that you can’t get your prescription if your psychiatrist is on holiday.
    OCD’s a strange thing. According to the text books, the sufferer feels that most things are out of their control, so they build up rituals which make them feel they have some control – and yet the reality is the opposite. I’ve fought all my life to control my OCD tendencies, but sometimes they show up in my posts, and they surface when things are bad. I do the squaring-up thing you mentioned. I always expect it to make me feel better, but it doesn’t. Even when it looks right, I know that it must all be at least a hair’s breadth out of line.
    Meds help, but when external forces trample all over my life, those patterns surge.
    Respect to you, for making this post into a funny story. Turning bad stuff into a joke makes it easier to deal with. But you know that.


    1. I only started to dig into psychology/psychiatry recently, after I spent a few weeks in a mental asylum (voluntarily), and I found that not only is the discipline fascinating but it also helps my mental health to get a scientific explanation of what’s going on. Like with OCD, as you explain – the person feels like they’re out of control and try to regain it by rituals – so obvious! Yet it didn’t occur to me until I was told at the hospital. It’s obviously a paradox that the rituals often end up frustrating you even more because nothing is quite perfect, no matter how hard you try to make it so. I’m trying to look at the bright side – which is fun blogging material πŸ˜€

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like your self-healing attitude.
        I discovered something interesting about my OCD. I go to a support group for the families of addicts . we sit around a big table that’s covered with sheets of laminated paper with slogans on (things like ‘Progress, not perfection’, ‘I don’t have to accept the unacceptable’). When I’m anxious I have to straighten them up, and there’s a guy there who watches me do it, and as soon as I get them all straght, he reaches forward, grins at me, and messes them up. You’d think that would upset me, but it doesn’t, since it means I can tidy them up again. When I’m in the act of straightening them I don’t feel so anxious, as I’m taking action.


        1. Haha, I’m not sure if my attitude is self-healing, it’s more self-hating at times, but I try to do the work. No one can help you unless you are actively helping yourself as best as you can.

          Your story sounds a bit worrying, but I think I get it – I’d be happy to resume my ritual too after someone messed up with my order and alignment. It’s true with anxiety – you can’t sit down and wait for it to pass, it’s better to keep yourself active.

          On a darker note, I am truly sorry you find yourself in a group for families of addicts.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. My family has a history of addiction that goes back through the generations. Until my two youngest children became heroin addicts it was mostly alcohol. The last ten yours or so have been tougher than I can describe, but things are improving. My daughter is in recovery, and unless something goes terribly wrong she’s going to make it. I’m very proud of her. My son says he’s clean, but I don’t know. He’s fooled me too many times before. These days I go to the support group for the benefit of other members more than myself. There’s not much I don’t know about addicts and addiction.


          2. Despite the difficulties, it’s great how you manage to keep your spirit up and even support others in the group! Of course I hope that things will be on the mend for you and your kids and wish you all the best.

            Liked by 1 person

Say what?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.