What I Hated (the Least) Today 227/365: Suicidal Sunday

What I Hated (the Least) Today 227/365: Suicidal Sunday

Produced this nonsense earlier this year and called it Black Smoke
Produced this nonsense earlier this year and called it Black Smoke

Please note that this blogging therapy post frivolously discusses suicide, therefore, depending on how you’re wired, you might not want to read it.

In a polite conversation with a stranger today, I was asked the dreaded question, How are you? I realise the only socially acceptable answer is Fine, but I’m not too keen on white lies. After a prolonged silence, during which I was cluelessly groping for a suitable answer, I got it and responded in a non-committal manner, As per usual.

The question always makes me mildly desperate. I’m as could be expected from a depressed person who isn’t too good at dealing with it. I’m used to being high-achieving, not depressed to the point that I spend an hour coaxing myself into the simple task of getting up from bed in the morning.

I did get up, eventually, and on the way to the bathroom, I got a brilliant idea. I thought it would be nice to slit my wrists and fall asleep and not to wake up. I quite like falling asleep. I don’t particularly like waking up. However, before you panic, rest assured I quickly rejected the thought because that would require me to wash my hair, shave and put on some make-up to be a presentable corpse, and I couldn’t be bothered.

I really wish my psychiatrist gave me the good pills. At my next scheduled appointment, I need to tell her that I saw through her trick of prescribing me placebo and that it doesn’t work for me. I don’t particularly trust my psychiatrist because she has fewer academic degrees than I. Kidding (about the non-trust part, not about the degrees, that’s true). It’s a fun fact, I guess.

33 thoughts on “What I Hated (the Least) Today 227/365: Suicidal Sunday

  1. Depression is a bitch! I’m so glad you couldn’t be bothered making yourself into a presentable corpse. After all, you are much, much better looking alive 🙂


    1. Thank you for dropping by! Today I painted my nails in case I wanted to kill myself, but with my nails painted, I feel fine and won’t kick the bucket yet 😉 Sorry for my morbid humour. Can’t help it, helps me cope… And you’re right of course, a person looks better alive than dead!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Most people I worked with had more degrees than me. In fact the smartest person I know didn’t finish school and never went to Uni but learned thru life experience and now in her 60s is a highly intelligent and compassionate person. I think that if putting off suicide because you fear not looking your best as a corpse is reason to dismiss the idea then it says your will to live is still strong, vanity is still on your mind and you realise of course that I would miss you and your sardonic humour so I am grateful you think beyond yourself at these times…then again you could argue my last comment was entirely self centred and what do I know anyway…I look forward to your next installment of “What I hated least today..”


    1. Intelligence is not about academic degrees, but I get a weird feeling when I deal with doctors who have fewer degrees than me. It’s not that I respect them less, but it feels weird, considering that I rely on their expertise and it’s a kind of expertise that can only be gained through formal education – and experience too, but you’re unlikely to become a psychiatrist just through experience with no schooling.

      Thank you so much for playing along with my morbid humour. I love that 🙂 You are absolutely right that I’m not so badly off when I still care how I’ll look when I’m dead. So I think it’s safe to assume that I’m safe.

      Thank you for all your support!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Its what I do Mara, identify a good blogger and writer and do what i can to nurture and encourage and look what has happened you are admitting to being safe…..how good is that…. 🙂


  3. It’s such a ridiculous question ‘How are you?’ and in reality, most of us aren’t looking for an honest answer! We’re just looking for reassurance that all is right with the world – it’s a question that suits the asker’s agenda not the answerer’s! Much like my own pet hated one ‘And what do you do?’ which requires an answer that satisfies the the asker’s desire to categorise and label each individual, their net worth, their intelligence, their contribution to society… Keep posting 🙂


    1. Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting! I’m pleased I’m not the only one puzzled by the How are you question. So weird. What do you do is equally problematic, but I’m workoholic, so I’m comparatively safe on this one. Thank you again for your encouragement. Means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I really like your response, “As per usual”. I think I’m going to keep it away for next time when someone asks me how am I. Certainly not always we feel fine, and I admire your courage to admit it when things are not fine. Honestly is the way to come out strong and be a better version of ourselves.


    1. Awe, thank you for your lovely comment, Mabel! You’re a lady of huge insight and maturity beyond your age. Feel free to use “as per usual” too, I’ll be proud that my answer will come in handy for someone else too 🙂

      I just love what you say about “being the better version of ourselves”. I heard that before, in Yoga with Adriene, and it resonates with me perfectly. So this is one phrase I’ll take the liberty of borrowing from you. Thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Here «how are you?» is part of a greeting phrase which means absolutely nothing. «Hi, how are you», the cashiers just said to me in the grocery store, and I don’t think about it anymore after thirteen years here. When I got back and entered the building, I met our next door neighbour, whom I don’t know very well but I said «hi, how are you». He actually said he was tired. In the beginning, it took me some time to get used to this custom here. People don’t want to know how I am. My ex-SIL once told the asker how she was. «I’ve just been diagnosed with Lyme Disease, my mother died yesterday and my car broke down … how do you think I am?» People don’t want to hear stuff like that.

    As for slitting wrists … that can be difficult, one has to do it the right way. If I were ever to considering suicide, that wouldn’t be the way to go for me. I might add that I’ve hardly ever even touched upon that though, but deep down we all know it’s always a possibility. That differentiates us from the animals.

    I really don’t care what they think, so I doubt I’d bother with my appearance. 🙂 Several people back home, that drowned themselves, took off almost all their clothes and put them in a neat pile on the bridge. Even wrist watch and so on. We kept wondering why people do that …

    In other cultures I don’t think they necessarily have the same outlook on suicide … the old Romans seemed to commit suicide right and left 🙂

    I’ve read the comments about the academic degrees. You’re so right about intelligence vs. degrees. Many jerks without social skills or compassion have been through med school for the only reason their family had lots of money or their father was a physician.

    This wasn’t exactly a very cheerful comment — I just let myself go 🙂 Hang in there! And I say this from a totally ego centrical point of view grin



    1. I realise that in some parts of the world, How are you is the same as Hello, just a phrase. Here it’s not so much – you have a range of options how to answer, but of course no one is really looking to you complaining about your problems at length. Though it’s perfectly legit so say something like “I had a cold but am fine now” or “I’m a bit busy but am fine” (it should always end on a positive note).

      Thank you for taking part in my black humour and in the serious part of the suicide discussion. I actually chuckled when you pointed out that it had to be done correctly 😉 I suspect I’d mess it up and call myself an ambulance after a botched attempt. shrug

      Anyway, today is a reasonably good day and I produced a (hopefully) more cheerful post. Thank you so much for commenting here. I can’t exactly pinpoint why, but your comment quite boosted my mood.

      Liked by 1 person

          1. There is a benefit with sudden death by natural causes and accident, there is no need to prepare as you have no idea when (or where) it might happen. Just always wear clean underwear, just in case!


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