The Dreaded D(ivorce)-Word: Hysterical and Hilarious

The Dreaded D(ivorce)-Word: Hysterical and Hilarious

“Hope is the thing with feathers.”

—Emily Dickinson

I like to cope with adversity by the means of hysterical humour. The blacker, the better, which goes both for coffee and for fun. I have been plotting to separate from my husband for years. At first I thought it was my duty to stay because that much I promised by the act of marriage. Then I discovered that guilt was overestimated and that I might not even have to live in eternal abjection when I divorce. It appears it is no more fashionable to pin the scarlet letter D to a divorcee’s chest to be worn until she dies in poverty and obscurity and gets what she deserves.

My soon-to-be-divorced husband is a moderately nice person, however, he may get aggressively angry when irritated. He is as unpredictable as poor dear me on PMS – which is a lot. I feared how he might react when I break the less than delightful news, and I anticipated he wouldn’t be too pleased. This is a severe understatement. At the beginning I was planning to pack my personal belongings while the husband leaves for work and have them moved before he returns. It would be very considerate of the neighbours because they love drama. I would also plant a hidden camera in the house and make the abandoned husband’s video viral.

Why, yes, I am a mean person, which is why I’m divorcing. Now listen to this. My scheme was blasted when I left one early morning under a mediocre pretext and inadvisably didn’t return until the next day. I texted the husband in the evening that I was staying overnight. I added ambiguously that we would have the big talk the next day. He texted back “OK”, very anticlimactically, and inquired where I was. I didn’t feel like getting into details and ignored the text. Crucify me now. Though I’d prefer being burnt at the stake because I like heat.

End of play time
End of play time

The next day I returned to a house which looked perfectly normal. The lock at the front door wasn’t changed and I could let myself in. There were no threatening notes left on my table and my books and clothes were undestroyed. Shocked by the lack of shock, I retired to the bathroom and ran a bath. As I was musing immersed in the steaming water, the husband returned from work early and attempted to storm the bathroom. I was locked in. I screamed, “Help!!” Joke. I shouted back, “Just a minute!” On which I bravely left the safe room and made me some coffee, while the enemy was sitting expectantly in the pretty red armchair that I picked with much trouble five years ago.

“You want to talk now?” I hissed unpleasantly because I’m an evil serpent. The answer was affirmative. “Well, there’s not much to talk about, really,” I said dismissively, “I decided I was moving out.” My victim burst into a mildly terrifying fit of hysterical laughter. “WFT?” I retorted. “WFT?” he retorted, choking with mirth. He didn’t see it coming and had a question or two. Or twenty. But before I even settled down to sip my coffee, he disappeared in the bathroom, crying. Well, that escalated quickly. Of course, I’m an emotionless person who doesn’t quite get all this sentimental stuff. I repaired to my corner of the home office and went on to surf real estate sites.

I expected for the husband to get over his initial disappointment shortly and start premeditating my murder, which would be more like him. Over the next few days, he was crying, sulking and looking devastated. It’s not like I’m divorcing him. Wait, I am actually divorcing him. Since then he had returned to his usual meanish demeanour. He still has occasional moments of weakness, such as when he proposed a modest but sensible divorce settlement. He hasn’t called off his promises so far. It could be really a distraction tactic, though, while he is realy plotting to put me down. Yet, I can’t help feeling inadvisably cheerful and hopeful about my undertaking.

59 thoughts on “The Dreaded D(ivorce)-Word: Hysterical and Hilarious

    1. Thank you very much, Brett, for reading what is probably not too funny post, despite me trying hard to make it humorous 😉 Your support is much appreciated!

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    1. Thank you very much for your support! No, you don’t need to “like” the post 😉 It’s very encouraging to read your lovely comment. I’m doing fine, and I hope it will be getting only better!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It is interesting to have this insight into maritak breakdown since I am at an age where many of my friends are divorcing. I imagine it is all very complex and difficult on every level but if a relationship is no longer functioning as it should then it is best to face that head on and move forward separately. I, therefore, applaud you for your self-awareness, honesty and frankness in confronting how you feel and for not just plodding onwards. I hope your divorce is an amicable one and that you both find happiness on the other side.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading! I realise it was probably not a great post in that it enforced on you some ugly details, but I hope I made the topic clear in the title, as a trigger warning…

      I’m doing very well (knock on wood), my currently still-husband is doing slightly worse, but he too will be fine. I’m excited about starting anew; this situation wasn’t working and as you say, it grew so bad that there was no point in prolonging the agony. Thank you again for your support!

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      1. Friends have told me that divorce is like a grieving process. I am sure you will have your ups and downs but having confidence that you are making the right decision will carry you through it – as will your humour.

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        1. Yes, this makes sense. Divorce surely is a grieving process for what was lost — but surely something will be gained too. I’m sure about my decision and excited to start anew; and your kind words are encouraging 😉 Thank you!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Gosh Mara! I totally didn’t see this coming. All the usual cliches apply – good for you, life is too short – etc. When all is said and done, take care of yourself and dont take any nonsense from anyone if your mind is made up. Sending my best wishes x

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    1. Awe, thanks a lot for your encouragement! Yes, the usual cliches apply, actually! You put it however very clearly and very well: I certainly will take care for myself better now, as I have already started working on it 😉 Thank you again!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I read this and hit “like” early today, but like joannesisco it just didn’t feel right. Reading through your comments you say your doing fine, but reading the post it was hard to tell if you were hiding more behind some of the flippant remarks. Anyway, I hope you are doing well

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    1. Ha! You sort of got me, of course I’m deliberately using humour to cover up for any misery… But I am very well, considering the situation. And even better for your support. Thank you so much!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hello love, so you did it, you made your intentions clear, that was a very brave thing. I hope you are ok, I feel like we should be having a good strong drink together. It’s a very hard thing to do and to go through. Big hugs from me x.

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    1. Awe, thank YOU so much for your kind words! Your support means a world to me. Yes, it’s such a shame that you’re on an entirely different continent, otherwise we would totally have to set up a bloggers’ meet up!! Thank you again and cheers, I’m drinking to your health (and mine 😉 ) !

      Liked by 1 person

  5. So you’ve finally posted about this delicate subject.
    To be honest,when I first knew you,I was shocked to learn that you were already married.I mean,marrying at a pretty young age is not something I saw you doing.Then I surmised that you must be terribly in love with your husband.

    When you told me you were divorcing,I felt very sad for you.I mean,you have loved this person and shared some really great memories with him.For some moment,I thought you both shared the perfect romance along the countryside! But then,I don’t blame you; you alone know why you’re filing a divorce.I just feel bad when I see a marriage break up…

    I hope you were not as cold as this post leaves us to think.In fact maybe you’re drowning your heartache in your humor,but who knows? Whatever you choose to do,I hope you’ll always be independent,for independence is something severely lacking in some women.And I know you’re no silly woman and will always choose the right option. 🙂

    And yep.I feel horrible for your ex-husband. :/
    What a nightmare it must be to have the one you love leave you.

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    1. Thank you very much for you insightful and kind comment. You made me think, as always, which I appreciate a lot.

      Yes, I suppose I married relatively young, though 25 is certainly no too young in my culture, and some would even call it old. I married after five years of sharing one household with my husband-to-be, so I thought that I was safe and that the marriage would work out. Well, mistakes happen!

      Oh yes, of course I use black humour to cope! I’m not particularly cheerful about the whole situation and I feel a bit sorry for my husband (and myself 😦 ), but I’m excited about starting independently. It turned out that independence means more to me than I thought.

      But enough of the unpleasant talk, my following posts should be more upbeat and should focus on me settling in my new home 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  6. After having read this post, I can only agree with Brett and Kainzow … your coldness must have been a way to mask your feelings. I feel sorry for your [ex-to-be] husband, as he took it badly. Hurting someone you once loved is tough, but I also understand your desire for independence. I’ve been there. I remember what it felt like, trying to build up the mental strength to say the words … and then the time in between … before you can actually move out. But when you feel that way, there’s no going back, I guess … unless one is prepared to live in misery for the rest of one’s life.

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    1. Thank you, Rebekah. Your comment is as insightful as supportive; and I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been there… I surely consciously use humour to cope, but at the same time I am happy to start new and, hopefully, better! As you quite correctly point out, this transitional stage from the marriage to after-divorce is the hardest part. But it can only get better! Thank you again for your encouraging words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Such brave post! I feel sad though when two people break up.. all the memories you shared, all the jokes only the two of you share — well you get the point. I’m sure you’ve thought of other options… But when you know in your heart that this situation is not right anymore and starting anew excites you, then it must be for the best. Transitioning is the hard part, I guess. What do I know? Good luck! More coffee cheers!!!

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    1. Thank you very much for reading and leaving such an encouraging comment! I don’t think it’s a brave post, there is more braveness on your end for reading this! Yes, I can see precisely what you mean, and you are right, of course other options have been considered, tried out and failed… Thank you for not judging and supporting instead! It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The post struck a chord in me. The D word came up unexpectedly in our household – out of anger. But all’s well again. It’s hard work – this marriage is! And it takes two to tango, as what they say 🙂

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        1. Oh I’m so sorry to hear that, yet happy that you sorted the problems out! Sure, you are right, a marriage is a hard thing to care for and it needs two to succeed. I wish you all the best!

          Liked by 1 person

  8. Though getting a divorce is not the “coolest”thing.But your gentle way of handling the difficult situation is really appreciable.keep going………

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  9. A brave post as many have said, a sad sad situation in many ways for something that did not work out, but if one is miserable, ultimately the other will not be embarking in a marriage full of the amount of happiness that it should have and that only ends up being an injustice to you both.

    You are a strong woman and onwards and upwards as the Brits say, chin up dear Lady, all will be OK on the day.

    Not being flippant, really, I know how hard it has been and giving you a great big hug xx

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    1. Thank you, my lovely kitty wife, for your support! You’re my role model, actually, because you are yourself so brave and enduring, yet keep on being cheerful… *hugs* I’ll keep you posted about my pilgrim’s progress 😉

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Yes, I know, it was exciting to start from scratch in building up a new home, and now that it has been more or less done, I’m more in leisure to blog about it 😉 I think you’ll be pleased to see the huge change that I imposed on my room! The flat is indeed just one room, but a spacious one and more than enough for one person and a cat…

          Liked by 1 person

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