Writing 101 staff is getting Freudian. They want us to psychoanalyse ourselves by writing out our greatest fear. As Dr Freud enlightened me, my greatest fear already materialised itself when I was born a girl. In his apparent ignorance concerning women, Freud believed that girls were nothing but castrated boys. Every woman then suffers from castration complex, desires to have a penis and also plots to marry her father.
I’d hate to disappoint anyone, but I feel the need to ensure my male readers that Freud’s hypotheses about women are fabrications. I wonder if Freud was more successful in defining the fears and desires of men. I very much hope he was wrong here too. I don’t like the thought that I was my husband’s second choice because what he wanted in the first place was to kill his father and marry his mother. If any man reads this, is that what you want?
My greatest fear is actually the fear that I’ll murder myself. Not by the way of suicide, that would be at least deliberate. I fear that I’ll murder myself accidentally and involuntarily. I fear that I’ll go to sleep and won’t wake up anymore. My fears are based on mysterious things happening to me while asleep. In the last few days, I woke up successively with a sharp stabbing pain in my eye, an irritated purple patch on my leg and a bloody scratch on my nose.
Daytime is not too easy on me either. I’m the kind of person who moves like she’s constantly drunk and wearing high heels, though I’m neither. No door is wide enough for me to pass through it smoothly. Normal doors tend to hit me in my face. Automatic doors won’t open for me. I keep on hitting walls and furniture like a malfunctioning Roomba. I think I’m conspiring to kill myself without my own knowledge. That’s my greatest fear.